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OT: On All Of This Bullying Stuff
Oct. 8th, 2010 10:03 pmBullying and its evil descendant cyberbullying have received a lot of media attention as of late due to some high profile suicides involving young people. (Note to Darth Media...bullying is an ongoing phenomenon, not a single instance of a cruel prank.) Experts and activists have been grabbing lots of face time on t.v. trying to explain it and trying to figure out who or what to blame. As per usual, they miss the mark.
First off, bullying is nothing new. I was the victim of bullying when I was in junior high school, long before there was ever a Facebook or IM (and long before they started calling junior highs "middle school"). I was not someone who had a lot of friends, I did not have as much money as some of my classmates, I wasn't wearing the coolest clothes for 1981, I was very quiet, and I had some issues dealing with various skin and hygiene problems. And oh yeah, I could start bawling on a dime. Bullies can pick out targets the way a predator can sniff out the weakest, oldest, and sickest members of the herd, and then they attack. Kids who seem to have a lot of friends, who blend into the background, and clearly have the grownups on their side don't get bullied. Kids who seem weird or stick out like sore thumbs are always targeted for bullying. Too short? Too tall? Too skinny? Too fat? Poor kid in a rich school? Rich kid in a poor school? "Wrong" ethnicity or skin color? Foreign accent? Too attractive? Not attractive enough? Geeky? Dress in an unusual way? Effeminate? Tomboy? Too religious? Fell out with the popular kids? All of those call attention to potential bullies and if you give the desired response (crying), look out, you're life is about to go to hell in a handbasket.
Obviously, what has changed is the internet giving bullies new and better ways to torment their targets. The internet has become the getaway car for the cruel, rude, obnoxious, and vicious. But there's something else that has changed too. You see, I long ago figured that the real reason why the Mean Girls and Mean Boys went after me was their own insecurities. They may feel like losers deep down, but they can reassure themselves, "Well at least I'm not as much of a loser as (lazypadawan)." If the kids are laughing at someone else, nobody is laughing at them. I also grew up during a time when divorce was kind of a new phenomenon and a lot of these kids came from homes that were falling apart. One girl who wasn't exactly a tormentor but who was certainly never nice to me suddenly split for Tampa after her father dumped her mom for his secretary. The whole synagogue knew and because we had family friends who attended the same synagogue, I knew too. Ouch.
Now 30 years later, there are likely bullies who are acting out of their own pain and insecurities. But there's something a lot darker going on, especially with some of the most brazen and violent examples I've seen of "bullying" both in the media and at my job. A lot of bullying victims do contemplate suicide, partially to escape the pain of their existence, partially because they do have problems with depression, and partially because they want their tormentors to feel sorry for what they did. And in the cases of unfortunate souls like Megan Meier, Phoebe Prince, and a case in Ohio I read about today, the deaths of these girls meant nothing to the bullies. I couldn't live with myself if I brought someone so much pain, she took her life, even if the decision to commit suicide was her own. But the adult woman who bullied and pulled a nasty prank on Meier was unrepentant. Bullies wrote terrible things about Prince on her memorial page. And the bullies who attacked the girl in Ohio not only had the temerity to attend the girl's funeral, they LAUGHED at her body in the casket. (I'm sorry, but if anyone did that to any of my family members, there would be an ass-beating the likes of which Western civilization has never seen and I'd proudly go to jail for it.) This tells me it's not insecurity, but sociopathy. In society's recent zeal to promote self-esteem over the past 25 years, it has created narcissists without empathy instead. I also read today about a horrible woman and her husband in Pennsylvania who have taken to torment a family with a dying 7-year-old daughter out of some stupid feud. They're doing stunts like driving past the girl's home with a coffin. And people like that raise future bullies.
Add to that the cold, cruel world of most public schools. When you're one of 3000 students at some mega school, you're just another brick in the wall. Nobody cares about you. There are a lot of commendable teachers, counselors, and administrators working in our schools, but there are also a lot of pinheads. My own experience was that it was hard to get the teachers or school officials to care and to put a stop to the problem. They either didn't "get" it or thought that because you were a target, you weren't worthy of respect. My parents had to go and talk to school officials a couple of times, and my mom considered putting me in private school instead. And even so, I think that the whole thing frustrated and annoyed them too.
Victims of bullying really don't have a lot of options. Like I said, a lot of teachers and administrators don't care. Parents often don't lower the boom until it's too late, partially because the kid hides it for a long time. If you try to settle it the old-fashioned way, by flattening your bully, you risk suspension, expulsion, possible criminal charges, and lawsuits. A good kid doesn't want to risk any of that.
While it's an understandable reaction to want to "do something" about bullying, especially since little has been done about it over the years, I am also concerned that a war on bullying will have unintended consequences and its own set of injustices. Good kids have also been the victims of misguided zero tolerance policies, political correctness, and a lack of common sense.
I think schools can and should enforce rules against harassment, assault, and battery. Teachers, administrators, and parents need to listen to and believe kids who say they are being bullied, then help do something about it. Kids should be encouraged to come forward. A support system of adults and peers--support groups for bullied kids is a really good idea--is necessary.
But if you really want to stop the culture of bullying, you have to change the culture. Dads who drive around flipping everyone off who gets in their way are teaching their kids how to be rude and aggressive. Moms who laugh at others' misfortunes are teaching their kids how to be cruel. Kids see on reality shows that you solve your problems by pulling out your enemy's hair extensions. Those awful "Real Housewife" shows--I can't even enjoy them as a trashy guilty pleasure--show adult women behaving like bullies and they're rewarded for it. Reap what you sow.
First off, bullying is nothing new. I was the victim of bullying when I was in junior high school, long before there was ever a Facebook or IM (and long before they started calling junior highs "middle school"). I was not someone who had a lot of friends, I did not have as much money as some of my classmates, I wasn't wearing the coolest clothes for 1981, I was very quiet, and I had some issues dealing with various skin and hygiene problems. And oh yeah, I could start bawling on a dime. Bullies can pick out targets the way a predator can sniff out the weakest, oldest, and sickest members of the herd, and then they attack. Kids who seem to have a lot of friends, who blend into the background, and clearly have the grownups on their side don't get bullied. Kids who seem weird or stick out like sore thumbs are always targeted for bullying. Too short? Too tall? Too skinny? Too fat? Poor kid in a rich school? Rich kid in a poor school? "Wrong" ethnicity or skin color? Foreign accent? Too attractive? Not attractive enough? Geeky? Dress in an unusual way? Effeminate? Tomboy? Too religious? Fell out with the popular kids? All of those call attention to potential bullies and if you give the desired response (crying), look out, you're life is about to go to hell in a handbasket.
Obviously, what has changed is the internet giving bullies new and better ways to torment their targets. The internet has become the getaway car for the cruel, rude, obnoxious, and vicious. But there's something else that has changed too. You see, I long ago figured that the real reason why the Mean Girls and Mean Boys went after me was their own insecurities. They may feel like losers deep down, but they can reassure themselves, "Well at least I'm not as much of a loser as (lazypadawan)." If the kids are laughing at someone else, nobody is laughing at them. I also grew up during a time when divorce was kind of a new phenomenon and a lot of these kids came from homes that were falling apart. One girl who wasn't exactly a tormentor but who was certainly never nice to me suddenly split for Tampa after her father dumped her mom for his secretary. The whole synagogue knew and because we had family friends who attended the same synagogue, I knew too. Ouch.
Now 30 years later, there are likely bullies who are acting out of their own pain and insecurities. But there's something a lot darker going on, especially with some of the most brazen and violent examples I've seen of "bullying" both in the media and at my job. A lot of bullying victims do contemplate suicide, partially to escape the pain of their existence, partially because they do have problems with depression, and partially because they want their tormentors to feel sorry for what they did. And in the cases of unfortunate souls like Megan Meier, Phoebe Prince, and a case in Ohio I read about today, the deaths of these girls meant nothing to the bullies. I couldn't live with myself if I brought someone so much pain, she took her life, even if the decision to commit suicide was her own. But the adult woman who bullied and pulled a nasty prank on Meier was unrepentant. Bullies wrote terrible things about Prince on her memorial page. And the bullies who attacked the girl in Ohio not only had the temerity to attend the girl's funeral, they LAUGHED at her body in the casket. (I'm sorry, but if anyone did that to any of my family members, there would be an ass-beating the likes of which Western civilization has never seen and I'd proudly go to jail for it.) This tells me it's not insecurity, but sociopathy. In society's recent zeal to promote self-esteem over the past 25 years, it has created narcissists without empathy instead. I also read today about a horrible woman and her husband in Pennsylvania who have taken to torment a family with a dying 7-year-old daughter out of some stupid feud. They're doing stunts like driving past the girl's home with a coffin. And people like that raise future bullies.
Add to that the cold, cruel world of most public schools. When you're one of 3000 students at some mega school, you're just another brick in the wall. Nobody cares about you. There are a lot of commendable teachers, counselors, and administrators working in our schools, but there are also a lot of pinheads. My own experience was that it was hard to get the teachers or school officials to care and to put a stop to the problem. They either didn't "get" it or thought that because you were a target, you weren't worthy of respect. My parents had to go and talk to school officials a couple of times, and my mom considered putting me in private school instead. And even so, I think that the whole thing frustrated and annoyed them too.
Victims of bullying really don't have a lot of options. Like I said, a lot of teachers and administrators don't care. Parents often don't lower the boom until it's too late, partially because the kid hides it for a long time. If you try to settle it the old-fashioned way, by flattening your bully, you risk suspension, expulsion, possible criminal charges, and lawsuits. A good kid doesn't want to risk any of that.
While it's an understandable reaction to want to "do something" about bullying, especially since little has been done about it over the years, I am also concerned that a war on bullying will have unintended consequences and its own set of injustices. Good kids have also been the victims of misguided zero tolerance policies, political correctness, and a lack of common sense.
I think schools can and should enforce rules against harassment, assault, and battery. Teachers, administrators, and parents need to listen to and believe kids who say they are being bullied, then help do something about it. Kids should be encouraged to come forward. A support system of adults and peers--support groups for bullied kids is a really good idea--is necessary.
But if you really want to stop the culture of bullying, you have to change the culture. Dads who drive around flipping everyone off who gets in their way are teaching their kids how to be rude and aggressive. Moms who laugh at others' misfortunes are teaching their kids how to be cruel. Kids see on reality shows that you solve your problems by pulling out your enemy's hair extensions. Those awful "Real Housewife" shows--I can't even enjoy them as a trashy guilty pleasure--show adult women behaving like bullies and they're rewarded for it. Reap what you sow.
